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The Want, Will, Won't list, explained
A want, will, won't list is a list of sexual activities that each partner marks privately as something they want, something they'd be willing to do, or something they won't. Then you compare. Sex therapists and sex educators recommend it, often as a yes/no/maybe list, because it makes desires easier to bring up and a no easier to give without it feeling personal.
How to do one
- Each take the list on your own, without looking at each other's answers.
- Answer for yourself, not for what you think your partner wants to hear.
- Compare only where you overlap. A no on one side ends that item.
- Pick one thing you both want and talk about how you'd actually do it.
- Do it again every few months. Answers change, and that's normal.
Why this quiz splits "Will" in two
"Will" hides two very different feelings: "I'm curious about this" and "it doesn't do much for me, but I'd do it for you." Both are useful to know, but they lead to different conversations, so the quiz asks about them separately. It also adds Fantasy, for things that are hot to talk about but not to do.
- WantYou'd love to.
- CuriousYou think it could be cool to try.
- For youIt doesn't do much for you, but you're game if your partner wants it.
- FantasyHot to talk about, not to do.
- Won'tNot for you. It's never shown to anyone.
Talking about your results
- Start with the things you both want. It's the easiest place to begin.
- Talk about how, not just whether: when, where, how far, and what would make it feel safe.
- Agree on a safeword before anything new. Safewords and limits covers the basics.
- A match isn't a promise. Either of you can change your mind at any point.
Common questions
What is a want, will, won't list?
A list of sexual activities that each partner marks privately as something they want, something they'd be willing to do, or something they won't do. Then you compare. It's also called a yes/no/maybe list.
Why do sex therapists use it?
It makes desires easier to bring up and a no easier to give without it feeling personal. Each person thinks it over alone first, so neither one is reacting on the spot.
What's the difference between want and will?
Want is something you'd actively like. Will is something you'd be open to, which can mean you're curious, or that it doesn't do much for you but you'd do it for your partner. This quiz asks about those two separately.
Do it on your phones
The Want, Will, Won't quiz handles the comparing for you, and you only ever see your overlap.